‘Zondag, 9 maart [1941]. — Vooruit dan maar! Dit wordt een pijnlijk en haast onoverkomelijk moment voor mij: het geremde gemoed prijsgeven aan een onnozel stuk lijntjespapier. De gedachten zijn soms zo klaar en helder in het hoofd en de gevoelens zo diep, maar opschrijven, dat wil nog niet. In de hoofdzaak is het geloof ik het schaamtegevoel. Grote geremdheid, durf de dingen niet prijs te geven, vrij uit me te laten stromen en toch zal dat moeten, wil ik op den duur het leven tot een redelijk en bevredigend einde brengen.’
Het verstoorde leven. Dagboek van Etty Hillesum, 1941-1943.
the poetry that is going to matter after you are dead/ dorothea lasky
“
Sylvia Plath is my favorite poet. She was not only a descendant of Modernism and the Romantics, she was a poet that cared about her own feelings so much that she cared about yours. She had some fucked-up shit happen in her life, but who cares about that? We all suffer and that has everything to do with poetics. Have you ever heard of Modernism? The Nazis called Modernism primitive and the work of the brutes. The only brutes on this earth are the dogs and those are the things that I love. Do you wonder what I am? You are reading the work of a great poet, possibly one of the greatest ones of your time. If I am standing in front of you right now, you are listening to the voice of one of the greatest poets of your time. Do you take time to analyze greatness? I don’t think you should bother—you will never get it right. I am both a Modernist and a Romantic. All poetry that is good today is some combination of modernism, ethics, and faith. Take note. All poetry that matters today has feelings in it. You can refute or deny this with your lack of them. You can wrestle against feelings and make funny words for it. Take a look in the mirror. You were born a child and you will die one, too. When you are in your grave all that you will be able to say is mommy. You are going to die you know and so am I. That’s it. You were born to die. Take the things you say because you can’t write poems and figure out how to write some. Go to the grocery store and buy some food. Sit alone by yourself and think of how it is, the way it really is. There are a million cells of fluid rushing in your veins. On earth a thousand rivers rush through. The only thing that keeps you contained is the faith God has in your every breath. When you are mean, you let him down, so don’t be. Read Plath. Hell, Read Stein. She was a woman and would have approved of you—you man, you woman, you dog. Bark your last breath while we all swim along a river. There are children playing around you. They know more than you will ever know.
”
Dorothea Lasky, ‘The Poetry That is Going to Matter After You Are Dead’, uit Black Life.
narcistische mishandeling
Narcissus’ moeder kreeg van de ziener Tiresias te horen dat
het levensgevaarlijk voor haar zoon zou zijn om zichzelf te leren kennen. Narcissus
begint inderdaad met sterven op het moment dat hij zichzelf tegenkomt: in het
spiegelende water van een heilig meer: hij wordt verliefd op een beeld en
weigert dat vervolgens los te laten, ook al leidt het tot zijn ondergang.
Dat is interessant: als ik Iris Koops’ boek Herstellen van narcistische mishandeling
goed begrijp heeft de narcist geen ‘zelf’, en vult hij (of zij) die leegte op
met aandacht, bewondering, en toewijding van anderen. Hij eigent zich dat toe,
denkt dat hij recht heeft op de sympathie en empathie van anderen. De narcist
is daar echter zelf niet toe in staat: alles draait om hem: het zelf van
anderen is er alleen om gecontroleerd, uitgegumd te worden. Jarenlang
samenleven met een narcist kan er dan ook voor zorgen dat de eigen beleving volledig verdwijnt.
Wat veel mensen niet weten is dat narcisten een aantal overeenkomsten met psychopaten vertonen: ze zijn goed in het manipuleren en
bespelen van mensen, en zullen zich nooit verantwoordelijk voelen voor het eigen gedrag en de gevolgen daarvan. De narcist heeft een bepaald beeld van zichzelf, en de wereld: een Waarheid
— en die waarheid beschermt hij koste wat kost. Kritiek of twijfels accepteert
hij niet: het tast immers zijn beeld (en daarmee zijn zekerheid) aan. Als hij er
toch mee wordt geconfronteerd kaatst hij de bewering of kritiek terug, verdraait
hij woorden, bespeelt hij onzekerheden met opmerkingen die de ander doen twijfelen aan de
eigen beleving. Het is een verdedigingsmechanisme, een manier om vooral
zichzelf niet te hoeven onderzoeken. Hij speelt de ander tegen zichzelf uit,
vermorzelt de integriteit van zijn slachtoffer: hij gaat nooit inhoudelijk in
op kritiek, negeert het. Ontwijken doet hij met zoveel kunde dat het niet opvalt:
hij maakt gebruik van afleidingsmanoeuvres om zijn vestiging, zijn zekerheid,
zijn waarheid, geen risico te hoeven laten lopen.
De zekerheid van een narcist is een door hemzelf gefabriceerd
beeld: het is plat, 2D: alleen te zien vanuit één point of view: zíjn point of
view. Narcissus zou zichzelf niet mogen leren kennen want dat zou de dood
betekenen: maar zijn zelf leeft niet:
hij zou, zoals hij ontdekt bij het meer, ontdekken dat er niets is behalve zijn buitenkant. Het meer
laat alleen een wispelturige weerspiegeling zien. Raak het aan en de
verschijning verdwijnt. Wijs hem op z’n vluchtigheid en Narcissus komt tot de
conclusie dat hij niets weet; hij verdwijnt in zijn eigen niets.
*
Iris Koops’ boek (met als ondertitel Het verdwenen zelf (tevens de titel van haar website)) is een poging om narcistische mishandeling meer
bekendheid te geven, in de hoop dat het sneller herkend zal worden door
hulpverleners. Het is lastig narcisme te diagnosticeren omdat narcisten een
zeer charmant masker op kunnen zetten (zelfbehoud). Als narcistische mishandeling al wordt erkend, dan worden
er nogal eens fouten gemaakt tijdens therapie.
Wat ik zeer waardeer aan Koops’ benadering van deze
mishandeling is haar stelligheid als het gaat om populaire, new age-achtige
therapieën waarbij het vooral draait om empathie. Er wordt geleuterd over
vergeving en begrip, over welke rol het slachtoffer zelf heeft gespeeld, en de jeugd van de mishandelaar — het
slachtoffer van narcistische mishandeling wordt hier niet mee geholpen. Sterker
nog: dit is de manier waarop de narcist haar al die tijd heeft mishandeld: de
verantwoordelijkheid voor de wijze waarop ze werd behandeld heeft de narcist
altijd bij zijn slachtoffer gelegd. Nogmaals
een beroep doen op haar empathie suggereert wederom
dat ze het aan zichzelf te danken heeft: had
je je zich maar anders moeten gedragen. Nee. Niet. De verantwoordelijkheid
van mishandeling ligt ALTIJD bij de mishandelaar. Het slachtoffer van
narcistische mishandeling heeft niet voor niets moeite met begrijpen wat ‘normaal’
is: ze heeft geen besef van/ gevoel voor grenzen: niemand heeft haar ooit laten
zien dat haar ‘nee’ een grens zou moeten zijn, dat daar overheen denderen geen
optie zou mogen zijn. Zo simpel is het. Zo ingewikkeld is het.
*
Later meer; ik ga ook Koops’ tweede boek, Je leven in eigen hand – Verder na
narcistische mishandeling lezen. Bovendien, ik kan het niet helpen: ik lees
over feminisme (Living a Feminist Life/
Sara Ahmed) & zie allerlei verbindingen tussen narcistisch gedrag/narcistische
mishandeling en misogynie/racisme/discriminatie.
problems with names, or: the figure of the killjoy/ sara ahmed
Uit het eerste hoofdstuk van Sara Ahmeds Living a Feminist Life (Duke University Press 2017), ‘Feminism Is Sensational’ (to be clear: iedere witregel betekent einde/ begin van alinea/ fragment. Ik heb lukraak overgetypt wat ik in mijn boek heb onderstreept. Vermelden dat alle woorden uit het eerste hoofdstuk komen lijkt mij op deze plek voldoende. Woorden die dik zijn of schuin staan, doen dat ook in Ahmeds boek.):
Feminist work is often memory work.
You are taught to care for yourself by being careful about others.
Documentation is a feminist project; a life project.
Sometimes it might even seem that it is as or even more tiring to notice sexism and racism than to experience sexism and racism: after all, it is this noticing that makes things real.
In Sister Outsider, Audre Lorde describes the words racism and sexism as "grown up words". We encounter racism and sexism before we have the words that allow us to make sense of what we encounter. Words can then allow us to get closer to our experiences; words can allow us to comprehend what we experience after the event. We become retrospective witnesses of our becoming. Sexism and racism: if they are problems we have given names, the names tend to lag behind te problems.
Feminist and antiracist consciousness involves not just finding the words, but through the words, how they point, realizing how violence is directed: violence is directed toward some bodies more than others. To give a problem a name can change not only how we register an event but whether we register an event. Perhaps not having names is a way of turning away from a difficulty that persists whether or not we turn away. Not naming a problem in the hope that it will go away often means the problem just remains unnamed. At the same time, giving the problem a name does not make the problem go away. To give the problem a name can be experienced as magnifying the problem; allowing something to acquire a social and physical density by gathering up what otherwise would remain scattered experiences into a tangible thing. Making sexism and racism tangible is also a way of making them appear outside of oneself; something that can be spoken of and addressed by and with others. It can be a relief to have something to point to; otherwise you can feel alone or lost. We have different tactics for dealing with sexism and racism; and one difficulty is that these tactics can be in tension. When we give problems their names, we can become a problem for those who do not want to talk about a problem even though the know there is a problem. You can cause a problem by not letting things recede.
We need to acquire words to describe what we come up against. Becoming feminist; finding the words. Sexism is another such word. It often arrives after the event: we look back and we can explain things that happened as sexism. To name something as sexist does not make something there that was not there before; it is a sexist idea that to describe something as sexist is to make something sexist. But naming something as "sexism" does do something. Because, after all, to name something as sexist is not only to name something that happens as part of a wider system (to refuse to give what happens the status of an exceptional event), but it is also to give an account of that something as being wrong and unjustifiable. To name something as sexist is not only to modify a relation by modifying our understanding of that relation; it is also to insist that further modification is required. When we say, "That's sexist," we are saying no to that, as well as no to the world that renders such a speech or behavior permissible; we are asking individuals to change such that these forms of speech and behavior are nog longer acceptable or permissable.
Not just individuals: the point is that individuals are encouraged and rewarded for participating in sexist culture. It might be a reward given through affirmation from peers (the egging on that allows a group to solidify over how they address others as imposters). But institutions also enable and reward sexist behavior: institutional sexism. Sexual banter is so often institutionalized. You might participate in that banter because it is costly not to participate: you become the problem, the one who is disapproving or uptight. You are treated as policing the behavior of others simply by virtue of not participating in that bevior. Not participating can be judged as disapproval whether or not you make that judgment. You are judged as taking something the wrong way when you object to something. When we give an account of something as sexist or racist, we are often dismissed as having a faulty perception, as not receiving the intentions or actions of others fairly or properly. "I didn't mean anything by it," he might say. And indeed then by taking something said or done the wrong way, not only are you wrong, but you are misunderstood as ommitting a wrong against someone else. When you talk about sexism and racism, you are heard as damaging the reputation of an individual or an organization.
When you expose a problem you pose a problem.
It might then be assumed that the problem would go away if you would just stop talking about it or if you went away. The charge of sensationalism falls rather quickly onto feminist shoulders: when she talks about sexism or racism, her story is heard as sensationalist, as if she is exaggerating for effect. The feminist killjoy begins as a sensationalist figure. It is as if the point of making her point is to cause trouble, to get in the way of the happiness of others, because of her own unhappiness.
She makes things tense.
Rolling eyes = feminist pedagogy.
We can see now how feminism is refuted or dismissed as simply a personal tendency, as if she disagrees with something because she is being disagreeable; as if she opposes something because she is being oppositional.
Feminists: looking for problems. It is as if these problems are not there until you point them out; it is as if pointing them out is what makes them there.
We become a problem when we describe a problem.
Poor him
Mean
When you question sexism and racism it is hard not to question everything.
That is another promise.
The experience of being feminist is often an experience of being out of tune with others. The note heard as out of tune is not only the note that is heard most sharply but the note that ruins the whole tune.
To be misattuned is to be out of sync with a world. Not only that: it is to experience what is in tune as violence.
If alienation is sensation, it is not then just or only the sensation of negation: of experiencing the impress of a world as violence, although it includes those feelings. Alienation is studious; you learn more about wishes when they are not what you wish for.
It is when we are not attuned, when we do not love what we are supposed to love, that things become available to us as things to ponder with, to wonder about. It might be that we do destroy things to work them out. Or it might be that working them out is perceived as destroying things.
Feminist work is often memory work.
You are taught to care for yourself by being careful about others.
Documentation is a feminist project; a life project.
Sometimes it might even seem that it is as or even more tiring to notice sexism and racism than to experience sexism and racism: after all, it is this noticing that makes things real.
In Sister Outsider, Audre Lorde describes the words racism and sexism as "grown up words". We encounter racism and sexism before we have the words that allow us to make sense of what we encounter. Words can then allow us to get closer to our experiences; words can allow us to comprehend what we experience after the event. We become retrospective witnesses of our becoming. Sexism and racism: if they are problems we have given names, the names tend to lag behind te problems.
Feminist and antiracist consciousness involves not just finding the words, but through the words, how they point, realizing how violence is directed: violence is directed toward some bodies more than others. To give a problem a name can change not only how we register an event but whether we register an event. Perhaps not having names is a way of turning away from a difficulty that persists whether or not we turn away. Not naming a problem in the hope that it will go away often means the problem just remains unnamed. At the same time, giving the problem a name does not make the problem go away. To give the problem a name can be experienced as magnifying the problem; allowing something to acquire a social and physical density by gathering up what otherwise would remain scattered experiences into a tangible thing. Making sexism and racism tangible is also a way of making them appear outside of oneself; something that can be spoken of and addressed by and with others. It can be a relief to have something to point to; otherwise you can feel alone or lost. We have different tactics for dealing with sexism and racism; and one difficulty is that these tactics can be in tension. When we give problems their names, we can become a problem for those who do not want to talk about a problem even though the know there is a problem. You can cause a problem by not letting things recede.
We need to acquire words to describe what we come up against. Becoming feminist; finding the words. Sexism is another such word. It often arrives after the event: we look back and we can explain things that happened as sexism. To name something as sexist does not make something there that was not there before; it is a sexist idea that to describe something as sexist is to make something sexist. But naming something as "sexism" does do something. Because, after all, to name something as sexist is not only to name something that happens as part of a wider system (to refuse to give what happens the status of an exceptional event), but it is also to give an account of that something as being wrong and unjustifiable. To name something as sexist is not only to modify a relation by modifying our understanding of that relation; it is also to insist that further modification is required. When we say, "That's sexist," we are saying no to that, as well as no to the world that renders such a speech or behavior permissible; we are asking individuals to change such that these forms of speech and behavior are nog longer acceptable or permissable.
Not just individuals: the point is that individuals are encouraged and rewarded for participating in sexist culture. It might be a reward given through affirmation from peers (the egging on that allows a group to solidify over how they address others as imposters). But institutions also enable and reward sexist behavior: institutional sexism. Sexual banter is so often institutionalized. You might participate in that banter because it is costly not to participate: you become the problem, the one who is disapproving or uptight. You are treated as policing the behavior of others simply by virtue of not participating in that bevior. Not participating can be judged as disapproval whether or not you make that judgment. You are judged as taking something the wrong way when you object to something. When we give an account of something as sexist or racist, we are often dismissed as having a faulty perception, as not receiving the intentions or actions of others fairly or properly. "I didn't mean anything by it," he might say. And indeed then by taking something said or done the wrong way, not only are you wrong, but you are misunderstood as ommitting a wrong against someone else. When you talk about sexism and racism, you are heard as damaging the reputation of an individual or an organization.
When you expose a problem you pose a problem.
It might then be assumed that the problem would go away if you would just stop talking about it or if you went away. The charge of sensationalism falls rather quickly onto feminist shoulders: when she talks about sexism or racism, her story is heard as sensationalist, as if she is exaggerating for effect. The feminist killjoy begins as a sensationalist figure. It is as if the point of making her point is to cause trouble, to get in the way of the happiness of others, because of her own unhappiness.
She makes things tense.
Rolling eyes = feminist pedagogy.
We can see now how feminism is refuted or dismissed as simply a personal tendency, as if she disagrees with something because she is being disagreeable; as if she opposes something because she is being oppositional.
Feminists: looking for problems. It is as if these problems are not there until you point them out; it is as if pointing them out is what makes them there.
We become a problem when we describe a problem.
Poor him
Mean
When you question sexism and racism it is hard not to question everything.
That is another promise.
The experience of being feminist is often an experience of being out of tune with others. The note heard as out of tune is not only the note that is heard most sharply but the note that ruins the whole tune.
To be misattuned is to be out of sync with a world. Not only that: it is to experience what is in tune as violence.
If alienation is sensation, it is not then just or only the sensation of negation: of experiencing the impress of a world as violence, although it includes those feelings. Alienation is studious; you learn more about wishes when they are not what you wish for.
It is when we are not attuned, when we do not love what we are supposed to love, that things become available to us as things to ponder with, to wonder about. It might be that we do destroy things to work them out. Or it might be that working them out is perceived as destroying things.
dear friend, from my life i write to you in your life
Yiyun Li / Dear Friend, from My Life I Write to You in Your Life:
For a while I read Katherine Mansfield's notebooks to distract myself. “Dear friend, from my life I write to you in your life,” she wrote in an entry. I cried when I read the line. It reminds me of the boy from years ago who could not stop sending the designs of his dreams in his letters. It reminds me too why I do not want to stop writing. The books one writes—past and present and future—are they not trying to say the same thing: Dear friend, from my life I write to you in your life? What a long way it is from one life to another, yet why write if not for that distance, if things can be let go, every before replaced by an after.
For a while I read Katherine Mansfield's notebooks to distract myself. “Dear friend, from my life I write to you in your life,” she wrote in an entry. I cried when I read the line. It reminds me of the boy from years ago who could not stop sending the designs of his dreams in his letters. It reminds me too why I do not want to stop writing. The books one writes—past and present and future—are they not trying to say the same thing: Dear friend, from my life I write to you in your life? What a long way it is from one life to another, yet why write if not for that distance, if things can be let go, every before replaced by an after.
Abonneren op:
Posts (Atom)