retrieval/ durga chew-bose

Uit ‘The Girl’ (Too Much and Not the Mood) van Durga Chew-Bose:

‘She is standoffish, unwilling, harsh, up to something. She is a narcissist, a snob, a spy, some suspect. She is haughty, selfish, plenty vain, and proud. Affected. She puts on airs, I've heard people say.

(..) Despite your grievances, she isn't withholding. Simply, she'll never tell you the things she takes an interest in, because what she doesn't want is this: that you procure them for her.
     You yearn for her vulnerability. Which you believe comes complimentary, like peanuts on a flight; two packets. Like a smile. Vulnerability she refuses to give you because she is, after all these years, gaining back custody of herself. Lost long ago, before she was born (..).
     Hers is an everyday process of retrieval.

(..) She wishes she had a genius for curbing small talk; for manufacturing an arbitrary tone when airing something considered; for soft-boiling an egg.’